July 8th
by thepumpkinpastry
Summary: Lily Evans is so much more than what meets the eye - with a messed up family, feelings she can't control and a dumb inferiority complex, follow her through her last two years of Hogwarts - featuring a certain annoying, messy-haired, bespectacled Potter heir. James/Lily Sirius/OC Alice/Frank
1. That half finished packet of Marlboro's

1\. That Half-Finished packet of Marlboro's

 _July 8th_

 _I plead guilty; there's no shame in what I've done. After all, it wasn't really me who did it._

 _Yes, yes, it has only happened because of me, but is that reason enough? Knowing him, knowing us, can you really put me to blame ?_

 _It was building up for years, everyone knew it was bound to happen. No one told me it would end this way._

 _And no matter how terrified, how broken and bitter I became, we both know, you and I, that that was just a product; just a development. What could I have done differently ? What would you do, how could you watch his suffering, his pain; because I watched his soul dying, and that has slowly killed mine._

...

Two Years Earlier

…

August 31st

I've done something stupid. I've done something very damn stupid. I was just so sick of being treated like a child, like the child I suppose I am. Its always Lily this, Lily that, bla, bla, bla.

So I did it. And it was stupid, but I only recognise that now. And its not like I can change it anyway, right ? Well, I suppose I better tell you what happened then. Don't be to angry.

He stopped sending me letters. Do you remember, how until this year, every summer he would send me day after day letters professing his love for me, letters including poems exclaiming my beauty, letters with drawings of hearts and of phoenixes ?

There was none of that this year. He approached me on the Express, apologizing. I slammed the door in his face. And after a miserable two weeks back home, he still hadn't sent me anything.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised; after all, how long can you keep embarrassing a girl for ? After a while, surely, you grow bored, you move on. I think that finally happened, and I'm so relieved but a little empty too, you know ? I think that maybe, because it was the one thing which was always constant, always there, I'm starting to realise that everything has changed, and I don't like it. It was always expected of him to pursue me, and that at least, has been some sort of twisted form of normality for me these past five years, but now, that's gone too.

And I miss you, daddy. Every bloody day, I miss your laugh, your prescence, your jokes, the smell of your cigarettes lingering around the house. It's so empty here, so different.

Mum has changed too, though she tries so hard not to show it. Day in, day out, she's bustling around, baking cookies for old Mrs Figg, visiting old family friends and going about her business as usual. Only she's always occupied, always moving, always trying to take her mind off you, I suppose. And that's all very well, except it doesn't _work_. And that shows, too. There are wrinkles lining her beautiful face now, and that twinkle which used to always be present in her eyes, even when she was cross, is gone.

Tuney's never around anymore. If she is, she's locked in her room, not acknowledging my presence or mum's. She has a boyfriend, dad. I wish I could say you would like him, but that would be lying, and there's been enough lying recently. He's called Vernon, and if that isn't indication enough, then I don't know what to say. He hates me already, no doubt courtesy of Petunia.

I know you hated us fighting, dad. And I'm sorry, truly I am. But I think she blames me for your death, and blames me for not being there. I blame myself, too. But I can't change that either.

There are so many things I would change, if I could. Sometimes I wish I could go back to eleven years old, when the world was full of exciting prospects, when I loved everyone and was so … innocent. Naïve. But that time is long gone now, I'm afraid, and wishing is futile.

Maybe that's why I did it. Because I was upset, and angry and so many other emotions were clouding my sight that I guess I just lost sight of who I am, or of who I was.

You're probably thinking, through all my dramatics, that what I did was terrible. It really wasn't, I promise. It just marks a change, I suppose. The old Lily would never touch a cigarette, that's for sure. But picking up your half-finished packet of Malboro's, I missed you more than ever, and I suppose it was just to reconnect, to feel as if I was closer to you. I don't think it worked.

So I can now say I smoke, just like my father once did. And its stupid, its so, so, stupid, that I feel that reconnecting with you can only be done through what killed you, but I am a stupid person. And I'm not sorry.

…

September 1st

It's the first year I came to the platform alone. We used to come together, you and I. Petunia disappeared again, and mum had to work in the shop. So I came alone.

I'm sitting with Alice, Marlene and Mary. Alice and Mary are finishing their potions essay, and Marlene has just gotten up, saying that she's going to go see her boyfriend, Nick.

It's strange being here again. I suppose I thought it would be different, but its not. It feels the same as any other year, and I don't know whether that's a good thing or not.

I have to go to the prefects' compartment again. It'll be good to see Remus. We wrote to each other very little this summer. Maybe his wasn't great, either. Either way, I'll be happy to see him again.

…

The slim redhead shut her book and tucked it away into her overnight bag.

"I'm going to the prefect's compartment," she announced, straightening up.

"Lils, can't you just read over my essay ? Please ?" Alice pleaded, grabbing her leg from where she was seated on the ground.

"I'll do it later, Alice. Promise." The redhead replied softly, waving slightly and stepping out of the compartment.

She dragged her fingers along the wall as she walked, absentmindedly peering into compartments every here and there, purposefully walking slowly to clear her head.

This year wouldn't be different, she decided. It would not be bloody different. She wouldn't let it.

Sliding open the prefect's compartment, she smiled ar the sandy-haired boy who was already seated, exclaiming "Remus!" ,a pleased smile on her face as she greeted him.

They exchanged pleasantries as she took a seat next to him, noticing immediately the dark circles under his eyes and the fading scars along his arms. They chatted aimlessly about their summers as the others slowly filled in, occupying the large compartment. Lily greeted some of them with warm smiles and listened to their summer adventures with practiced ease, all the while slowly accepting, slowly adapting to it all again. She was back, she thought. And Hogwarts was going to be the same as ever.


	2. The Discovery of Thestrals,ft Green Bean

2\. The Discovery of Thestrals, ft. a Certain Green Bean

Around twelve thirty, a plump witch with the food cart knocked at their compartment and Lily bought her fair share of sweets. Marlene, having long since returned, bravely refused to buy any such sugar, and instead (after a relatively long time spent searching) found some relatively healthy lunch food at the bottom of the trolley, which only proved to make Lily feel guilty.

Munching on their sweets, talk switched from their holidays to gossip and eventually, to the marauders.

"So, Lils, how many letters did James Potter send you this year ?" Mary leant forwards eagerly, always the gossip in their group.

Lily acted unfazed as she inspected a sickly looking green bean. "None, actually," was her carefree reply as she tossed the green bean away and dug through her packet. She pretended to miss the looks her friends shot each other.

"None ?" Marlene asked, "Not one ?"

"That's what I said," Lily replied.

Her friends tended to defend him; "It was just a harmless prank," or "He was just having some fun," or worse yet, "Who cares anyway ? Serves the slytherin right." But they had since given up trying to change Lily's views on this black-haired boy. The Potter and Evans enmity went way back.

Most people dismissed it as clashing characters and to them, it was complicated and far too long ago to remember how it started, but Lily remembered, and she was pretty sure James did too. After their first encounter on the train, Lily had already been wary of the boy, but when it came to classes she positively loathed him. It had started out as just a rivalry; they batttled for the top mark in their classes – and drat him, James Potter beat her in almost all the subjects, excluding charms and potions, of course. But due to said complicated circumstances and probably because Lily suddenly became a favourite victim to his "harmless" pranks, that enmity only increased.

And then him and his stupid, pointless pranking group (referred to as "the marauders") had started picking on Sev. And as if that wasn't bad enough, sometime during third year, James Potter, the stupid prat, asked her out! She said no, and smacked him. Probably shocked by the fact that she had the nerve to refuse him, and acting on his stupid egotistical pride, he did the only logical thing a thirteen year old would think to do and sometime later, asked her out again. This ended in her grabbing the nearest goblet of pumpkin juice and pouring it over his head. That was the final straw, and since James Potter had seen fit to continue asking her out constantly, resulting in more negative answers, and bigger displays of attention which ended in bigger refusals.

This had peaked near the end of her fifth year, where an incident by the lake had her comparing him to the giant squid, and his ego finally suffered a blow big enough to make him stop. He had apologized, later, but Lily, too shocked by the fact that he was acting like a decent human being, had slammed the door in his face.

She wondered where that left them now. Him and his posse would certainly be plotting revenge in the form of pranks. She didn't like Sirius Black (he had an ego almost as big as Potter, and was as vain as a cat) nor Peter Pettigrew (he actually _admired_ Potter and apparently saw fit to worship the ground that he and Black walked on) but Remus, she liked. They had become friends sometime in second year when he was in need of charms help and Lily was there.

In third year, when James Potter was officially named Biggest Prat Of All Time, Lily discovered Remus' closely-kept secret (he was a werewolf) and thus only grew closer to him. Ever since, they had maintained their friendship despite his mate's obvious nuttiness.

Shaking her head to rid herself of the pointless thoughts, she tuned back into the conversation surrounding her, which had turned to who Edgar Bones was currently sleeping with (after a slight awkward pause where they had briefly discussed James Potter and exchanged looks at Lily's vacant stare). (Apparently said girl sleeping with Edgar Bones was Cassidy Gamp, who had discovered they lived in the same muggle town and taken advantage of this fact.)

As the sky grew dark around them, the four girls changed into their school robes and tidied away their numerous sweet wrappings. They had just finished picking up all the disgusting beans they had spat onto the floor (Lily had discovered her green bean, which Alice insisted was lime, lying under her sweater) as the train slowly screeched to a halt.

The fresh air which greeted her made Lily sigh in relief, glad to be rid of the stuffy compartment's familiar environment. Smiling at the big figure holding a lantern (Rubeus Hagrid, keeper of grounds and keys) and sending him a wave which he returned, she walked to the carriages as per usual. But what greeted her was not usual, not at all.

"What is that?" she asked screeching to a halt as she saw the ugly, bony horse-like creature tied to the carriage. Her friends shot each other bemused gazes, wondering what on earth she was talking about.

"What's what, Lily ?" Marlene asked carefully, watching her friend approach the carriage.

"This!" Lily whispered-cried frantically, pointing to the ugly thing. "This _thing_ pulling the carriages!"

She approached it carefully ignoring the worried mutter of Alice telling her that the carriage was pulling itself, as usual, and reluctantly held out her hand. The creature sniffed it.

"What is _that_?" A voice exclaimed behind her and she turned partly to see a familiar pair of glasses.

"I don't know," she murmured, stroking it's bony face, lost in thought. He walked up to it too, and carefully ran a hand along its neck. They shared a curious glance before turning back to their friends.

Said friends were standing, staring at them as if they had lost their minds.

"What?" Lily and James huffed at the same time, glancing crossly at each other and folding their arms in unison.

Alice took lily's arm and steered her into the carriage. "We need to take them to see Madam Pomphrey," she said, feeling her forehead with her back of her hand.

Sirius, who was similarly inspecting Potter, much to his annoyance, nodded in agreement as they sat in the carriage.

"There's nothing wrong with me, Alice," Lily said, exasperated , pushing away Alice's hand.

"There are … thingies pulling the carriages," James agreed, glancing warily at the black figures of the thestrals as the trotted along the dirt path.

Remus sighed. "I can see them too," he said softly, drawing everyone's attention to him.

At the disbelieving glances, he sighed. "They're thestrals," he explained. "You can only see them once you've seen death."

At this, Lily's face paled, James' hardened, and the atmosphere in the carriage became sombre and strained.

Marlene placed a reassuring hand on Lily's knee which was pushed away almost instantly. The carriage stumbled to a halt, and as she walked past the thestral, Lily tentatively stroked it, before turning with a hardened face and walking into the castle.

Her friends exchanged glances and hurried after her. "Want to talk about it?" Mary asked, only to be glanced at and be shot down with a definite "There's nothing to talk about."

They took seats at the Gryffindor table, placing themselves near the doors of the Great Hall. As the sorting bagan, Lily sat stonily in her seat, staring fixatedly at the stool where the bewildered first years sat as they took their place one by one in their respectful houses. In fact, her stare was only broken when their headmaster stood to speak. Then, when her eyes fell upon the familiar white-bearded, twinkling-eyed Dumbledore, she felt reassured and her body finally relaxed, slumping back on the bench as she listened absentmindedly to his speech.

"And with that, I will leave you at peace to eat, students." He declared, seating himself back onto his throne, arranging his purple robes around him as he served himself a dollop of mashed potatoes of the food which had newly arrived. Lily stared at him a while longer, and when he turned and stared right into her eyes, twinkling blue meeting serious green, she nodded slightly and focused her attention on filling her stomach with the wonderful food the Hogwarts house-elves provided.

Unbeknownst to her, a certain pair of brown eyes had been watching her all along, and only broke contact when she turned her attention elsewhere.

…

After a delicious and entertaining meal, in which Sir Nick had taken the pleasure of making an appearance by popping up over the roast beef, Lily and Remus conducted the first years to the common room, and after seeing they had found their respective dormitories, she collapsed on her favourite crimson couch in front of the fireplace.

Her mind whirling, she stared at the dying embers as the last late-sleepers wondered off to bed. She was still there ten minutes later when he found her. He stood in the doorway to the boy's staircases, watching her red hair as she frustrated pushed it out of her eyes and her magnificent green eyes as they held back the tears he could tell she so desperately fought to keep back.

She was broken, he could tell. He had been observing her for years, but she had never seemed as totally crushed and hurt as in that moment. But even as he watched, he saw her rebuilding her façade, determinedly pushing back the tears and reapplying the mask of "nothing is wrong" she never took off. And he ached for her. Because he could never hold her as she finally threw away the façade, he could never reassure her as she cried those frustrated tears into his shirt; he could never whisper sweet reassurances into her ears nor ever hold her as she cried. And in that moment, he felt his heart ache for the redhead, and his heart ache for himself, and he felt his determination harden.

As she sensed eyes on her, the redhead stood and it was then that their eyes met, and it was then that the sizzle of energy surrounded them. His brown eyes were alive with fire, and hers sparkling with resolve. And as she looked away and practically ran up the staircase to her dormitory, he breathed in the scent of her where she had passed; that faint flowery smell with a hint of something else.

And that night, both the boy, and the girl, fell asleep with the same energy which sizzled at their gaze present in their minds.


	3. Behind the Greenhouses

3\. Behind the Greenhouses

"I need a smoke," Lily whispered to Marlene in charms as they were banishing pillows.

Marlene turned to her, surprised. "Since when do you smoke, lils?"

"Oh, I've only smoked a couple times, this summer," she replied vaguely, and Marlene raised an eyebrow at her.

"Do you have a free next?" She asked and Lily nodded in response. "Good, then we'll drop off our stuff at the tower and go behind the greenhouses, it's the best place."

Lily nodded and the two girls turned their attention back to banishing the pillows amongst Travis Prescott's screams as his pillow lost control and started attacking him and Professor Flit wicks' desperate cries of "accio" and "finite", trying to get the dammed thing to stop.

Lily glanced at Marlene out of the corner of her eye. She wondered why she had never questioned Marlene's smoking before. She was just the sort of person to whom smoking seemed natural. Lily supposed that she had picked it up from her mother. Ever since she was little, Marlene had lived alone with her mother who changed boyfriends as often as she changed underwear. They got on great, from what Lily had gleamed about her home life, but the constant partying, the constant changing inflow of new men and her smoking and drugs had to have an effect on Marlene. The girl had smoked for what, two years now? But it seemed as though she had been smoking forever. With her constant use of dark makeup around her light blue eyes and her excessive drinking habits, smoking seemed to fit right in.

When the two girls found a soft patch of grass behind greenhouse 5 they made themselves comfortable and Marlene pulled out a packet of fags. Camels, Lily noticed with a twinge of regret.

Lighting her cigarette with the top of her wand and watching Marlene do the same out of the corner of her eye, Lily waited for the other girl to say something. But she seemed content to smoke without making conversation and the two sat in a comfortable silence, puffing at their cigarettes.

"Crap, I could have sworn we kept them behind greenhouse four!" A loud voice said and Marlene groaned.

"Don't make any noise" she warned Lily quietly. "That's Black."

Lily smirked and raised a suggestive eyebrow. Marlene and Black used to have a thing going. However, they hadn't spoke since before that summer, and Marlene was determined for it to stay that way. She had been avoiding him since the beginning of term. Their fling had been the subject of conversation of many late night girls evening in their dorm, with the girl whinging about Sirius' never ending need for a hook up. And yes, he was _that_ big.

The footsteps got closer and the girls stayed silently smoking.

"No, I remember, mate, it was definitely behind greenhouse 6,"

"No offense mate, but you've the memory of a hippogriff. Its greenhouse 4."

"10 galleons says its greenhouse 6!"

"You're on there's no way – Hello McKinnon, fancy seeing you here,"

Marlene looked up and scowled. "Piss of, Black." She answered and as the two started to argue Lily looked up and caught the eye of the second voice. She looked down immediately, the blood rushing to her cheeks as she remembered the emotional mess Potter had caught her in when they had last seen each other.

To her horror he grinned and sat next to her with all the grace of a falling hippogriff. "Alright Evans?" he said cheerfully, and Lily unintentionally felt the corners of her mouth upturning at his tone.

"Yeah and you Potter?" she asked, rolling her eyes and tugging at her cig.

"Didn't peg you the type," he said, nodding towards the fag.

"Yeah, well, what are you doing here?" She asked and he laughed and looked up at the sky.  
"Sirius and I sometimes- err," he looked at her worriedly, and, remembering she was a prefect said hastily "we just chill here really,"

Lily nodded and mulled over his words in her head. It was bizarre, having a civil conversation with the boy she had sworn to hate for the rest of her life. But with recent events, with everything that had happened this summer, she couldn't find it within her to hate him. Or anyone.

James looked at Lily and noticed that look in her eye. The one that told him that she wasn't really sitting behind the greenhouses with him right then. No, she was off in her own world, thinking of something he wish he knew. His eyes raked over her face, over the familiar freckles dotting her cheekbones and nose, over her hair, those subtle golden streaks, the – he had to stop staring, it was weird.

"Right well, McKinnon here's game." Sirius said meaningfully to James, who gave one more glance at Lily and got up, brushing off his pants.

Sirius glanced at Lily and turned away, got onto his knees and used his hands to start digging at the ground.

Marlene and Lily exchanged bewildered glances and James cleared his throat.

"Evans –" he said uncomfortably and Marlene laughed, interrupting him.

"Seriously? You guys bury your stash of firewhiskey?" she said with a snort.

"Firewhiskey?" Lily asked violently, her prefect instinct kicking in. "That's what you were doing here? Binge drinking?"

James looked at his feet uncomfortably.

"Lighten up, Evans, we're sixth years, we deserve a bit of fun what with NEWTs and all" Sirius said from where he had withdrawn a bottle. He polished it, wiping off any remaining dirt and then opened it and took a swig.

He passed it to James with a nod towards Lily. He took a swig and passed it to her.

"Live a little, Evans," he said and she sighed, knocking back the bottle and taking a massive gulp. The liquid burned in her throat familiarly and she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand afterwards.

"You haven't changed a bit, Potter," she growled, turning to look at him, greeted with the sight of both boys staring at her, mouths hanging open and eyebrows raised.

"What?" she asked annoyed, watching as Marlene passed the bottle to Sirius who took a swig without taking his eyes off Lily.

"It's just," he paused, passing the bottle to James. "It's just, you being a prefect and all, we didn't expect –"

James laughed and passed the bottle to Lily. "It's not the first time you've drank firewhiskey then?" he asked, ignoring Sirius.

"No, it is," Lily corrected him.

"Then how the hell did you not choke? Didn't your throat feel like it was on fire?"

Lily laughed and shook her head mysteriously before taking a swig. In this time, Marlene smiled at the boys. "Oh yeah, Lily drinks like a man"

Lily swatted her arm. Marlene laughed and said: "Okay could we all stop acting awkward and just down the rest of it and get completely pissed? 'Cause I dunno about you guys, but that's all I wanna do right now."

Potter held up the dramatically and proclaimed, "I concur!" Then he lifted it to his mouth and began to drink speedily.

Marlene and Lily laughed and, with a quick glance at Marlene, Black jumped forward and whacked Potter hard over the head. Potter spluttered and choked as the liquid spilled down his front. Black jerked the bottle from his grip and began knocking it back.

He didn't seem as if he was about to stop any time soon. Since Potter was bent over, hacking his lungs up, Marlene and Lily exchanged alarmed glances. Then Lily winked at her and yelled out, "Oh my God, Potter, put your shirt back on!" Black immediately lowered the bottle and looked around at the girls as though they were mad. Lily snatched the bottle away from him with a smirk, and darted away a bit so as to down as much as she possibly could before they tried to get it off her.

A couple minutes later Black whooped when Marlene took a big gulp and grabbed her and lifted her into his arms, taking off running, her shouts of protest ringing through the air. Potter grinned and picked up the bottle and took a swig and then stopped to pass it to Lily.

The cycle repeated itself only once more; Lily handing the bottle to Potter, him passing it back to her, until only the ends were left when she gave it back to Potter a last time.

He swallowed the last dribble and raised the bottle up above his mouth, tipping it expectantly, but nothing more came out. He blinked a few times at the empty bottle in his hand.

He looked around for a split second, and then hurled it hard to the ground. It smashed loudly, sending sharp shards of glass spinning in every direction.

"Oops," he said, grinning sheepishly. They looked at each other in a slight pause, before erupting into great roars of laughter.


End file.
